Can’t afford a real Rolls-Royce? Build this wood sculpture for your living room instead

British brand Rolls-Royce has released Cameo – not its answer to the online celebrity buy-a-greeting service, but a pint-sized convertible sculpture to pimp coffee tables complete with self-levelling centre caps.

As Jaguar pushes its brand upmarket, Rolls-Royce is looking to carve a smaller niche from literal smaller carvings to create a model – perhaps to take some attention away from its British rival's rebrand – as homage to open-top versions of the real thing.

Designed for ‘self-assembly’, a ‘series’ of parts start with a body made from a solid oak chunk which combines using magnets with a piece of polished aluminium to create a classic two-tone look.

Rolls-Royce says the coming together is a ‘seminal’ moment – like the first Spinal Tap album – which it dubs ‘marriage’, suggesting many buyers of ‘full-sized’ (code for real) versions like to view this part during the build of their special machine.

The aluminium top integrates the grille and windscreen, as well as the beltline surrounding the cabin, while once the wheels are fitted the self-levelling centre caps keep their ‘RR’ monogrammed logos perfectly horizontal.

Then the 3D-printed interior is fitted – finished in Grace White, as per the real thing – including its own flat-capped driver, who comes as standard.

With no engine – or any drivetrain to speak of – the Cameo avoids London’s ULEZ (Ultra Low Emissions Zone) charges but of course is such a rare Rolls it simply cannot be road-registered.

It isn’t so suited to rainy weather, anyway – or human sized-occupants.

On the plus-side, servicing is cheap – especially for a Rolls-Royce – and the driver is not prone to awkward conversations, leaving you in peace and quiet to enjoy the timbre of the wind … or the sound of the wheels rolling across your desk.

Sadly, there’s no Spirit of Ecstasy – the brand’s iconic bonnet-mounted statuette – leading the way for your fantasy journey to your imaginary wealthy friends for a spot of hallucinogenic croquet.

For that, you’ll need to buy the real thing (and hallucinogens).

The price of the Cameo? If you have to ask…